Melancholia

Tonight me and my good friend went to see a maze, called Autisticmaze. After you get into it, you're supposed to understand better the mind of autistic children. You're supposed to feel what they feel and see what they see.
In a way, I applaud the committee who made the maze to increase the awareness on autism. I think autistic people get misunderstood a lot, so it's very good that they tried to change that.
But in a way, it still felt very superficial to me. I can't get in there. I'm not there, inside their mind. I don't even know if it's possible to do such thing. They just put quotes on how they feel and see things, as well as some interactive things like fruit autistic kids can't smell, or even headphone to hear what the autistic kids hear from certain source of sound. Still didn't do it for me.
But what my friend said kinda rang a bell inside my head: you're hard to understand too. Maybe you'll have a maze like that as well to make people understand you better.
Call me pessimistic, but I don't know if you can ever really understand anybody around you. You think you know, but uou don't know for sure. People do surprising stuff. Let alone me.
Why are you so silent all the time? Why do you suddenly get silent and act like you're hurt? Why do you believe in such thing?
I can never explain it. I could try, but deep in my heart, I know some things are incredibly private that you can't even share it to other people, not can you make them fell better. Some others are hard to be communicated to.
Like, If I said I heard something in your tone, or your pupil that hurts and scares me, would you understand?
No? That's what I gotta love.

Indescribable

I wanna say a lot of things, but I think this video sums everything up. Everything in my head. I guess. It's not fair, I should have my own voice. But this time, I'll let GD do the talking.

The Bus

The bus almost hit me. I couldn't see anyone inside as the windows were covered by jet black filter. It didn't stop out of sudden like I thought it would. As I threw myself to the ground to avoid it, the bus kept on going, slowly, then stopped almost half a mile from me. As if the people inside just noticed I existed and talked about stopping for me. I resigned. The cold soil soothed me. I couldn't care less if that bus really broke my bones.
I could see a man hopped out from the bus. He wore white tshirt and jeans. I couldn't see his face but I knew he had dark brown hair. Like the soil. I wondered if it was as soothing.
As he walked towards me, his face grew clearer like the bottom of a lake when you move your face closer to the water. He had small eyes, long nose, and even smaller lips. His shoulder was broad and his chest seemed strong.
"You walkin alone?" He asked.
I nodded. His eyes shifted to my backpack that lied before me.
"You ran away from home?" He asked again.
I nodded again. "I used to."
"What do you mean you used to?"
"I'm on my way home." I tried to hide the blush on my cheek. I didn't know if he knew anyone who ran away and came back. "It must sounded silly, but--"
"Nah, it didn't. People do that."
"You think so?"
"Yeah, running away is tiring."
I remember I felt slightly warmer after I heard him muttering that sentence. Smile came to my face. He seemed to know. It's always nice to meet someone who knows stuff.
"Yes, it is," I said.
"I'm sorry about the bus. The driver didn't see you."
"It's okay."
Then he looked at me for a minute or so, without blinking. I let him do that. I usually got really mad at someone who did what he did, but I could tolerate his presence.
"Come along with us."
I didn't even think about who "us" was. I thought about the high trees around me, and the strange sounds from the forest, and the shadows that passed so quickly you didn't know whether they really existed or not.
"Would you guys go to Marine Dock?" I mentioned my city.
"We could get you closer to that place. Hell, I'll even drop you home myself. It's not good, you know, this kind of place. This road. You shouldn't be alone."
I knew he was right. I did choose to be alone on this whole journey. But that was the first time someone asked me to join him. To choose something else than my solitude. Naturally, anything is better than being alone. Or so I felt at that moment.
So I nodded, for the third time. Now he smiled so wide, I didn't know how it made him so happy. I got up, and he held my hand to join him to walk towards the bus.
I tried to see the inside, and I still couldn't see anything. Then we walked up the stairs, and I began to see the old guy who sat in the driver seat. He was pale, and unmoved by my presence. There were a lot of vacant seats. "Sit beside me," he said.
I concurred. We sat on the second row, side to side. I closed my eyes, and I could feel the bus moving. And then deafening silence. He grabbed my hands. I didn't stop him.
Then I couldn't feel his touch anymore.
"You know this bus isn't going to your home, right?"
I couldn't even open my eyes. I just nodded, again, and fell asleep.