Wednesday, May 29, 2013

You Know What's Funny

Sometimes you ask some people to stay, and they go, and they turn your back on you, without saying anything, because they think you don't deserve any explanation. And they go anyway, even when you ask them to stay.

Sometimes you ask some people to go, without any explanation, push them away really hard, and they stay. And they care even when you bite them and corner them to the edge. They say, I know what you're doing, and I want to be around.

And you're okay because of both, the first batch of people hurt you, and the second batch of people heal you. The first batch of people remind you how hurt it is to be left alone, so you can appreciate the second batch of people more. As if you need to have both even not all of them are pleasant.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

A Step Back

Hey there.

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. I don't know if anyone reads it anyway, hehe. Doesn't matter. I think I write this blog for my own amusement, and if others like it, it's good :) I think the assignment for latest Gogirl article inspired me to write in my blog again. That last assignment made me have to go for a lot of blogwalking, blog to blog, see random thoughts and extraordinary lives of other people. I feel like a stalker, but in a good way. I think they want to be stalked anyway.


Soon I'll have my birthday. I can't believe that I'll turn 23 soon. It's so cliche, but time does fly. Every birthday, especially after my 17th birthday, I always think: My year ahead can't get crazier than this. And it does get crazier. Worse. Better. Just really crazy. I mean not like crazy as in ordinary crazy. A crime happened, loss, weird awesome lovers, twist and turn of my hopes and dreams, they all happen. It's like a bad party you love. A bad party I live.

But it's the only occasion I can do something like this: to step back from my life and observe myself from afar. I'm not the kind who likes doing this, it makes me really nervous. But I need to do it anyway. I keep asking myself, what kind of person I want to be? This is the time, this is the start, everything's gonna be too late in front of this. So what do I want? I see people doing nothing in front of me, some others do really awesome things in my age. I mean even my ex boyfriend works for the president now. Where am I? What do I want to do? Like Lana del Rey challenge in her Ride poem, "Have you lived your darkest fantasy?".

There are some things I successfully did and failed to do this year. I graduated from the uni, just in time, like I promised to my bestfriend. I volunteered to a faraway place, got into a strange adventure, met a lot of people who changed my life. I fell in love really hard twice this year, got into relationship with them, had the best time, and suffered loss. I followed my passion. I got to get into an awesome working place I never dreamed before, although my parents initially challenged my decision. But I've always been the rebel. And I followed my path anyway.

But where's the third book? I always dreamed to make it soon, when I was still 22. I finished it, and I wasn't satisfied with it. I then tried to rewrite it, and it hasn't even finished until now. What happened? And I got a really bad thing happened to me last year, an unspoken thing that haunted me until now. Which I couldn't even speak about here. And at that point, the only people I told it to, they asked me, do you want to go on? Can you forget this and go on with your life? Because there's still a lot of things in front of you. Can you get over it?

The battle still lies ahead. The battle with my passion in life, the battle with the demons. I don't think many people saw me to go this far. But I will try to even go further. I want to get lost, I want to try everything. I want to lose everything, and I want to get everything. I want to have more contribution to the society and be more in peace with myself. I want to trust in my talent more. I want to...

When new things happen last year, I want to be like this. I want to step back and remember what I want. I want to show people who knows what I've been through that I'll survive everything and won't let any bad thing stops me. Because sometimes I forget. And I don't want to.


What a strange year behind, and what an awesome year ahead.