Hey there.
It's been a while since I last updated this blog. I don't know if anyone reads it anyway, hehe. Doesn't matter. I think I write this blog for my own amusement, and if others like it, it's good :) I think the assignment for latest Gogirl article inspired me to write in my blog again. That last assignment made me have to go for a lot of blogwalking, blog to blog, see random thoughts and extraordinary lives of other people. I feel like a stalker, but in a good way. I think they want to be stalked anyway.
Anyway.
Soon I'll have my birthday. I can't believe that I'll turn 23 soon. It's so cliche, but time does fly. Every birthday, especially after my 17th birthday, I always think: My year ahead can't get crazier than this. And it does get crazier. Worse. Better. Just really crazy. I mean not like crazy as in ordinary crazy. A crime happened, loss, weird awesome lovers, twist and turn of my hopes and dreams, they all happen. It's like a bad party you love. A bad party I live.
But it's the only occasion I can do something like this: to step back from my life and observe myself from afar. I'm not the kind who likes doing this, it makes me really nervous. But I need to do it anyway. I keep asking myself, what kind of person I want to be? This is the time, this is the start, everything's gonna be too late in front of this. So what do I want? I see people doing nothing in front of me, some others do really awesome things in my age. I mean even my ex boyfriend works for the president now. Where am I? What do I want to do? Like Lana del Rey challenge in her Ride poem, "Have you lived your darkest fantasy?".
There are some things I successfully did and failed to do this year. I graduated from the uni, just in time, like I promised to my bestfriend. I volunteered to a faraway place, got into a strange adventure, met a lot of people who changed my life. I fell in love really hard twice this year, got into relationship with them, had the best time, and suffered loss. I followed my passion. I got to get into an awesome working place I never dreamed before, although my parents initially challenged my decision. But I've always been the rebel. And I followed my path anyway.
But where's the third book? I always dreamed to make it soon, when I was still 22. I finished it, and I wasn't satisfied with it. I then tried to rewrite it, and it hasn't even finished until now. What happened? And I got a really bad thing happened to me last year, an unspoken thing that haunted me until now. Which I couldn't even speak about here. And at that point, the only people I told it to, they asked me, do you want to go on? Can you forget this and go on with your life? Because there's still a lot of things in front of you. Can you get over it?
The battle still lies ahead. The battle with my passion in life, the battle with the demons. I don't think many people saw me to go this far. But I will try to even go further. I want to get lost, I want to try everything. I want to lose everything, and I want to get everything. I want to have more contribution to the society and be more in peace with myself. I want to trust in my talent more. I want to...
When new things happen last year, I want to be like this. I want to step back and remember what I want. I want to show people who knows what I've been through that I'll survive everything and won't let any bad thing stops me. Because sometimes I forget. And I don't want to.
23.
What a strange year behind, and what an awesome year ahead.
F
Kak Farida... happy belated birthday ya. I just read this and realized what you've gone through. I guess everyone have their stories and face different challenges.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I can help you with any insight or not, but let me tell you about something.
I kinda have a hard time myself last year. Not that it was worse than yours (I think I exaggerated mine anyway... which made it even worse) The point is, I unexpectedly met an encouraging friend who helped me a lot. He said "Everything will be fine." and he knew I'll 'come back' as the ambitious person I was. He told me to start doing stuff, instead of waiting for things to happen. And most importantly, he told me that this 'kick' (jadi kaya film "Inception" :P) must come within ourselves and not pushed by others.
Anyway, I did take his advice. I think one of my actions that can be applicable to you is writing on "Wordpress". I mean, I'm not advertising here. But really, when I get all those "likes" and "followers" I feel that at the very least, people appreciate the way I think. Don't get me wrong. I stayed on Blogger for 4 years and have lots of "viewers". I still keep it too. But maybe, you can consider my advice. Or if you don't want to, just share your writing with a real person. That'd be better cuz you'll get immediate and realistic response ;)
You're an awesome person. If not, why am I here and commenting you? ;) again, happy belated birthday and be great as always! All my good wishes to you.